dotism

Sencha

Daisies growing within step of the zig-zag ornamentation of a building's facade

When something had gone awry, in this place or that, her pattern was to consider the place ruined and she would vow never to return. Not only did she promise to avoid these places in perpetuity, but even the mere thought of such places was enough to undo her entirely. Countless nights of sleep had been lost due to an infected memory of a place which would leave her riddled with torment, and she would lay painfully awake for hours, unable to find relief from the interminable baying of some malefic memory from the caverns of her mind.

As the number of ruined places grew, her world shrank ever smaller, until she was barely able to move. Due to this increasingly suffocating confinement, she made a decision to rearrange her reactions, and thus constructed and nurtured a newly formed tendency to return to these befouled places with driven aspiration. She would return not to confront them nor pretend them innocent, but to replay her interactions with them, to readjust her relationship with them, a purposed reencounter in the hope of replacing the contaminated memory of a place with a fresh, possibly more neutral one—or at least one which was significantly less plagued.

She had been experiencing some success with her purposefully rearranged remembrances, though she had also been troubled by a particular side-effect. Rather than waiting patiently for an opportune moment to return, she would find herself with an unsettling preoccupation with returning to a place after having experienced something ruinous there. She might sit feeling itchy for hours, even days or weeks, until she had successfully replaced a repugnant recollection, herself going over and over the script with which to correct a place upon her revisit. She would make revisiting these places a priority in her feeble life and would often spend a considerable amount of time traveling a considerable distance to some far-flung location so that she might correct what had gone so very wrong before—all with the singular ambition of altering her memory of a place to something less antagonizing. Even if such travail was horribly inconvenient, her restlessness demanded that a return occur, quite the opposite of her previous condition—in which the mere thought of returning to a blighted place would send her into a fevered panic.

She had begun to worry that this replacement pattern was becoming just as troublesome as her previous tendency to avoid. She was concerned that she was intrinsically doomed to feel overly-burdened by her fraught relationship with the world and its places in one way or another, be it this way or that, and that she would forever be on the outs with it all. It might be best not to go anywhere again, she whispered to her self. Wouldn’t it be far better to work at reducing ourselves to an invisibility, a silence, a diminished thing without contact nor consequence? Surely it would be far nicer, much gentler, to simply not be at all?

She caught herself in a conversation with her self and recalled an interaction which had occurred but a day or so prior: She had collected her minuscule wit along with whatever bits of courage she could muster and brought her self to a place into which she had never been before. As she entered this place, the world became blurred and she became duly separated, with herself watching her self as they approached a point at which interaction was compulsory, all eyes upon her as her eyes fell to the floor.

What she had wanted seemed to her to be simple, a painless desire, one lacking in all complication. Though when she offered it as her yen, it soon became difficult, mired in confusion, and she lost her self—the world blurring even more, all unfocused, her mind now scattered with thoughts fugitive and disarrayed.

Oddly, through the discordance of it, there had been something there which had interested her, which compelled her, something unique and new. Although she had been so perplexed as to think herself unworthy of it, as if having requested it she would be found guilty of all manner of crime, that she must feel ashamed for even having wanted it—there it is, outlined before her, proof of her contemptibility. She felt herself begin to quake and considered fleeing from this place, dashing out, abandoning all of it for the safety of her home. This cursed place, her idiocy, all of it crashing down upon her like bombs—the world at war with her once again.

Though she discovered something familiar within the cacophony, something of which she had spoken before, a known thing—a refuge. She spoke quickly through timidity, with eyes still firmly affixed to the ground, the words coming from her with an ease of practiced repetition. And with this recognizable thing firmly in hand she departed, an exit appropriate and allowed, the sun warm on her brow—she had escaped intact and with tact—though without that thing which had captured her fancy, that thing which felt interesting and strong, herself having been far to frightened to ask for it.

And there she found herself within her self, within a calmed time as one, considering that memory as a potential point for trial. For had she not forgotten of that place until just now? Had she not been without the demand for return, for correction, for a purposeful rearrangement of the memory of it? Perhaps she was getting better, recovering, finding herself with a certain gentle repose. And so she remembered the place as worthy of fanciful reconsideration rather than one of utter ruination, mistaken rather than forsaken, and she gathered herself quietly so that she may go out for another cup of tea—although this time it would be of the sort which had initially so delightfully intrigued.